“Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table.”
- W. H. Auden
November 1, 2013
It’s another beautiful night and I can’t help taking in the view of the wondrous New York City skyline from my bedroom window. The moonlight shines onto my bed casting a delicate iridescent glow on everything in its path. I reach for the remote on the other side of the bed, stretching my arm over my guest’s still body as it peeks out from behind my black satin sheets (they were imported from Milan and worth every penny). I turn the television on and immediately put the volume on low. Is there anything good on TV tonight? I’ve only begun to channel surf when I immediately find something that peaks my interest. Why We (Heart) Vampires? Now this I’ve got to see!
The hour long special has celebrity comedians and actors giving commentary on clips from the most popular vampire themed TV shows and movies. They talk about that new Dracula TV series and cover everything from Twilight to True Blood to Grandpa from the 1960’s television show The Munsters. They even go as far back as Nosferatu, the 1922 legendary vampire movie from the silent film era. Is that Elvira making a guest appearance? Where has she been hiding? (At least her two best assets have remained the same, haha.)The show reminds me a lot of that pop culture commentary show, Best Week Ever. Each commentator gives their opinion on the cult of vampires and what makes them such an enduring fixture in literature, TV and film. (I was about to laugh out loud but then I remembered I needed to be quiet or else I would wake my companion up.)
How ironic! All the lovable traits they reveal about vampires seem to mirror that cool blog post Lestat emailed me a few weeks ago, “Why We Love Vampires” by that Eric Camarillo guy. It also makes me think of that article I read in the Times, “Why Vampires Never Die” by the movie director, Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, the author turned screenwriter. Yes humans crave us and fear us at the same time. But do they really understand what lies behind their fascination? Of course they don’t, but I do. The primal fear of death and the subconscious fetish with everything young and beautiful that results from that primal fear is my diagnosis. How do I know this to be true?
While watching Why We (Heart) Vampires, how many commercials have come on about preserving youth and becoming more beautiful? Treatments for acne, cures for wrinkles, hair serums that promise 24 hour relief from frizz, prescription medications to fend off arthritis, impotence and the anxiety that comes when you realize you cannot fight the inevitable, all advertised during those precious few minutes in between segments. We are the answer to all of your problems. You buy into the vampire myth despite the lies spread by non-believers that seek to deny our existence because we give you an out from the curséd human condition. No more futile quests for eternal youth and breathtaking beauty. No more gyms, plastic surgeons, nursing homes, heart disease, HIV, cancer, diabetes and dementia. Instead we offer you sex, youth, immortality, invincibility! A life full of passion, bliss and the power of knowing you belong to a superior race of supernatural beings awaits you beyond that first bite. A moment of pain leads you to an eternity of pleasure.
The show has ended and I turn the television off to reflect further upon what I have just watched. I lay back onto my pillow, smiling to myself as I wonder how funny such a show would seem if they realized what they were saying was actually based on fact and not fiction. Just as I am about to close my eyes for a brief nap before it is time to get up and pursue my nightly duties, I see a naked body carefully descend from the bed and crawl across the floor making its way to my bedroom door. I watch with intense fascination as a trembling hand grasps desperately at the door trying to find the knob and make a hasty exit. A rush of excitement overtakes me. I love it when they act terrified and try to run! I hum the lyrics to the song “Blurred Lines” as I begin to casually walk across the room to reclaim my prize from the night before. “I know you want it, I know you want it,” haha! When will they ever learn? Never go home with strangers you meet on Craigslist. Lucky me! It’s time to feed again…
Until next time,