October 28, 2013
Congratulations on your new show! Frankenstein must be green with envy! 116 years since Stoker’s novel was first published and you don’t look a day over 100! It’s as if you just came off the boat from Transylvania yesterday. So tell me what’s your secret? Have you had some work done? Maybe a little nip and tuck? Well, you’ve definitely had a makeover.
For one, you’ve become so much more modern, so much more multicultural and diverse. Renfield has become a tall, strong brotha! (Between you and me, Dracula has always needed a little bit of color.) Yes, Jonathan Harker is still dating Mina, Lucy is still dating every man within a 50 mile radius, but who is this new sexy fearless vampire huntress they call Lady Jane? Move over Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Step aside Van Helsing! No more helpless Victorian ladies in waiting!
Plus, you’ve been reading haven’t you? Maybe a little Charles Dickens or dare I say it, a little bit of Karl Marx? I mean, how else can you explain this new populist sentiment? Dracula teaming up with a group of proletariat rebels to save the British economy from an elitist group of oil tycoons? It’s about time you stood for something and grown out of that adolescent, Don Juan, wanna-be-player persona. (Sorry Twilight and Vampire Diaries, but Dracula isn’t just for kids.) And what’s all this talk about science and Darwinism? Do you really intend to help advance the human race? I’m sure you plan on doing that one bite at a time (wink, wink).
Now, I know how hard you’ve been working to become fresh and new, but you didn’t have to work so hard to please us. Remember what Del Toro and Hogan wrote about you in “Why Vampires Never Die?” We’ll never get tired of you. Your sexiness and youthfulness always draw us back in making us hungry for more. That’s why you’ve recruited actors like Jonathan Rhys Meyers with his bedroom eyes onto your team. Every scene is filled with bountiful cleavage, deep throaty voices and lighting that flatters every wrinkle and minimizes every pore. You’re in the business of selling sex! You still strike fear in the heart of every man and desire in the most intimate parts of every woman when you walk into the room. That’s your trademark! And you better never touch that or the 100+ year love affair is over!
So here’s to 100 more years of long smoldering stares, moonlit strolls, tangled bed clothes and all night blood binges. I hope to see you again same time next week. Until then, I’ll keep the lights off for you...Always yours truly,