Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Original Essay/ Excercise 2 Chapter Nine

These are two pieces from my Inspirational Essay in English 12
Experiences teach us life lessons so that when we engage in those experiences, we  become prepared for them and can overcome any obstacles through interaction with significant people in our lives; The experience in life that has changed me was my open heart surgeries. I have had three open heart surgeries in my life, and besides the obvious love from my family, my mother has cared for me the most. My mother was the most important person in my life, who inspired me and was my mentor  who guided me through the toughest experience of my life.
My experience is as  follows. It was a hot summer day in June of 2008. Having known that I’m about to have surgery in a month, I go to school to take my Spanish regents. I am in the lunch room talking with my friends eating a sandwich my mother had prepared for me earlier that morning. Ten minutes before the bell is to sound, I dropped to one knee. In shock my friend was asking if I was alright. I told my friend I didn’t know what was happening. He asked me if I could make it to Spanish to take the final exam. I told him I felt weak and felt it best to call my mother. He brought me to the nurses office down the hall. The hall at that point looked like it was a mile long, considering how ill I was  feeling. When we arrived at the nurses office, I called my mom, and within a second flash she was there. My mother brought me home and called my cardiologist to see what was going in. So she gotten the phone and the cardiologist told my mom that the weakness, and shortness of breath, were all symptoms of the urgency for \this specific surgery. Even though I was scared, I felt ready for this challenge of my life.

What I notice about my essay from these two parts at least is that I use I a lot. Even though I am the one writing and I know that the professor knows it's me writing I wrote I way too much. How I would fix this problem is by:

Having three open heart surgeries throughout the duration of my life, and besides all the love from my family, my mother has cared for me the most. My mother was the most important person in my life, who inspired me and was my mentor  who guided me through the toughest experience of my life.

2 comments:

  1. I agree using "I" does make it a bit more casual. Opening up to the reader with personal experiences makes the essay sound a lot less academic. But in your case I feel using "I" was acceptable.

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  2. I agree with Sofya, especially since this was meant to be an "inspirational essay" :-)

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